New report from UCU calls for more contact hours between students and lecturers.

From: The Departmental Secretary (Maureen)

Dear Student,

As you will be aware this department has received a number of complaints about the lack of contact between students and academic members of this department.

At a recent meeting of the departmental board it was therefore agreed that the following measures to increase such contact would be implemented from the beginning of next term:

* All academics have been instructed to reduce the pace at which they currently walk along departmental corridors.

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One wall of the present SCR will be replaced by clear glass so that students may have full visible access to lecturers during their morning and afternoon coffee breaks

* Claims by students that they do not readily recognise their lecturers will be remedied by the installation of a small exhibition of clearly labelled waxworks in the library concourse

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* Professor Lapping will make a brief public appearance on the balcony outside his office at midday every other Tuesday

* Every effort will be made to ensure that the postgraduate students who at present are responsible for all first-year teaching in the department bear a passing resemblance to the lecturers they have replaced

* Doctor Quintock will install a webcam in the kitchen of his home in Lower Poppleton so that students may observe him going about his limited range of domestic duties

* During his prolonged research absence, Doctor Piercemuller will be replaced at his desk by a life-size hologram

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* Ted Odgers' 1969 Open University film Smash the Bosses Now will be shown on a continuous loop in the photocopying room

* Maureen's contact hours with students will be increased from 52 hours per week to 54.

I hope this clarifies the situation.

Maureen